The Burnstain Bear Pt 1
by Dave J
Summary: Mr. Burns becomes the proud daddy of a bouncing baby bear. Humorous antics ensue when the bear tries to kill him.


"The Burnstain Bear"

"Marge! Help!" Homer screams. Marge runs into the living room to find Homer standing on the couch wearing her house-dress, and yelping.

"I saw a mouse! I thought it was Mickey, but than it tried to eat Minnie!" Homer whimpered.

"You've got to stop confusing things with Disney characters Homer." Marge sighs, picking up a broom and shooing a mouse out the back door.

"But Lenny wanted to watch Fantasia." Homer whines, stepping down from the couch and straightening his dress.

"You're getting bored from spending too much time in the house. Why don't you go for a walk, or better yet, go to work?" Marge says as she pulls on a chicken leg stuck to the couch.

"Moe's doesn't open again for two weeks." Homer says dejectedly. "How am I supposed to enjoy my morning stupor without beer?"

"Well maybe this'll teach Moe to stop mixing duff with turpentine!" Marge answers, replacing the pillows.

"That health inspector was out to get him and you know it!" Homer says dismissively. "And not to speak ill of the dead, but I'm glad Moe's second shot connected!" Homer says as he walks away.

"I mean, "allegedly" connected." He says, making air quotes, and then leaving again.

"Now where was I?" Marge thinks to herself, entering the kitchen. "Oh that's right!" She says, grabbing the spices and beginning to sort them by the cuteness of each logo. "Hmm… I suppose "Nixon's Choice Oregano" will have to go at the end again."

Outside, Bart picks up a Frisby from off the lawn, and throws it into The Flander's open window.

"Wow Bart, you didn't even break the glass." Lisa says walking over from the backyard. "Could it be that you're actually learning restraint?"

"Wait for it…" Bart responds.

"Holy Moses no!" Ned Flander's yells in a nasally falsetto.

"Pfff., hahahaha!" Bart laughs, grabbing his knees. "I glued some of Otto's magazine clippings to the bottom of the Frisby. Wait'll Rod and Todd get a load of Ms. September stuck to the soccer ball in their room!"

"AAAAHHH!!!" Rod and Todd shout from out their bedroom. "It's Judgement day!"

"Don't worry boys!" Ned calls running upstairs. "We shall be delivered from temptation!" Ned grabs the boys and kicks the ball out the window.

"It's ok daddy." Rod answers. "We weren't tempted by the harlot lady."

"Great-diddly-ate fella's!" Ned responds. "Wait, not even a little?" he asks.

"Nope. Not at all." Rod answers back happily.

"Let's join the YMCA!" Todd shouts.

"Yay for chastity!" They both smile, running downstairs.

"Hmm…" Ned says worriedly. "That's the last time I let them watch Frasier."

Bart and Lisa crack up outside as the bus pulls up.

"Get in Bart dude and Bart dudette." Otto says, opening the bus door crankily. "I gotta get to the Quickie Mart and restock my mag library. Somebody raided me!"

"Sucks Otto Man." Bart says, whistling innocently as he sits down next to Milhouse.

"Smell my forehead Lisa!" Milhouse yells. "My new ointment smells like moth balls and old people!" He says leaning into the seat behind them.

"That's disgusting!" Lisa says repulsed.

"Aw yeah… Milhouse shoots and scores!" Milhouse says turning to bart confidently. "So you gonna come to our wedding Bart?"

Bart rolls his eyes at Milhouse and looks out Terry's window. Slowly he starts to doze off...

***BOOM!***

The school bus crashes into the Springfield Zoo, right next to a sign that reads:

"Caution: Monkey's are easily aroused!"

Bart startles awake.

"I can't take it anymore!" Otto yells. "I need Motorcycle babes!" He shouts as he jumps out the drivers window and runs off.

Animals begin pouring out the hole in the wall of the zoo, left from the school bus. The children scream as a timber wolf jumps onto the hood and starts clawing at the windshield.

"Good job Bart!" Sherrie yells. "You've doomed the entire school bus to be eaten by wolves, yet again!"

Bart turns around, nervously. "Don't worry Lease, I'm sure we'll be fine… Right Milhouse?" Bart says looking at Milhouse.

"Gawk!" A large penguin sitting in Milhouse's seat squeals.

"Ahhh!" Bart screams.

"I'm ok Bart…" Milhouse's voice sounds out from an unknown area. "But I can't see anything, do you know where I am?"

The penguin burps up Milhouse's glasses.

"Uh… the important thing is that the animals don't know where you are Milhouse." Bart says backing away slowly.

Suddenly, the wolf breaks in through the windshield and growls at the children!

"Is this the end of Martin Prince!?" Martin declares.

"Stop narrating dingus!" Nelson yells, punching Martin on the head.

The wolf charges at Ralph and leaps.

"Hi kitty!" Ralph waves.

*BAM!*

The wolf falls to the floor, bleeding from its side. And there in the doorway stands Mr. Burns dynamically holding a rifle.

"**Gasp!" ** All the children cry unanimously.

"Mr. Burns? What the heck are you doing hear?" Lisa asks.

"Doing what I do best little girl." Mr. Burns responds. "Unfairly hunting endangered species!"

"It's his favorite mid morning past time." Smithers states.

"Yeah but how did you know a wolf was in here?" Bart asks.

"Perhaps he's got a soft spot in his heart for children?" Martin responds.

"No no fatty." Mr. Burns says laughing at Martin.

"I can assure you that the soft spot in my heart has nothing to do with children. Though it may come from all those decades of handling plutonium without an oven mitt." He says to himself. "No I've just always been attracted to the suffering of young people. Call it a sixth sense if you will. It lead me to this bus, and well, here we are. Anyway, I'll be taking my wolf corpse and be on my way." Mr. Burns says as he turns towards the dead wolf. "Well don't just stand there Smithers, gimme a hand. By which I mean, do my work for me!"

"Yes sir." Smithers says as he bends over to pick up the wolf. "I knew I shouldn't have worn my formal Dockers." He thinks to himself.

Turning around, Mr. burns steps out of the bus, and is spontaneously jumped by an angry bear.

"Ye Gods Smithers! It's a Yogi! Get me the boomstick!" Mr. Burns shrieks as the bear snaps at him.

"I'm coming sir!" Smithers yells as he leaps atop the bear. "You leave Mr. Burns alone you bloodthirsty beast!" Smithers shouts as he pounds on the bear's back.

"That's enough Kodo!" An Australian man in a khaki shirt and shorts says authoritatively. "Don't make me get the spray gun!" He threatens.

The bear whimpers while backing off of Mr. Burns and setting Smithers down. "I'm sorry mate, but he always gets a bit dodgy when he misses his soaps." The man responds.

"He watches TV?" Milhouse calls out from inside the penguin; which is now wearing his glasses and bookbag.

"Sure he does. This here's a trick bear!" the Australian man answers. "I'm Didgery Pete, the worlds fore most animal trainer, and proud papa of this 400 pound toddler, Kodo. Say hello Kodo!" Pete says happily.

"Grooougo" Kodo responds, standing on his hind legs and waving. The children all clap, as Mr. Burns and Smithers stare astonished.

"No no Kodo!" Pete says annoyed "Say it in Japanese!"

Kodo looks at Pete, and than bows to the children, growling respectfully.

"I wanted Kansai Japanese, not Kyoto Japanese!" Pate says angrily brandishing a rolled up newspaper.

"Stop right there you blunder from down under!" Mr. Burns shouts, stepping in front of Kodo. "I won't let you harm this magnificent creature!"

"Wha!?" Smithers, the children, and Kodo all say simultaneously.

"Sir, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the bear that just tried to kill you, and kill me by proxy?" Smithers asks.

"Smithers, in all my years of bribing this zoo to let me hunt exotic caged animals, I don't know if I've ever met one with the pluck to fight back against me and my high powered weaponry. I've gone up against rhinos, elephants, and even that last remaining dodo bird the zoo manager found in his back yard, but none of them had the courage to look me in the eyes and say "no". Who would've thought that the common American house bear would prove so much more a worthy adversary?" Mr. Burns says. Than turning to Kodo, he continues "I don't know if it's the twinkle in his eye, or the collapsed lung in my chest, but I do believe I've become attached to little Kodo." He says lovingly.

Smithers answers "But sir, in all fairness, you weren't actually hunting the bear to begin wi-"

"I've made up my mind Smithers, and no amount of uninterrupted sentences are going to change it… I'm adopting Kodo!"

"Now look hear you," Pete says approaching "I raised him from a pup, and weaned him myself, you can't just-"

"Will a million dollars do accordingly?" Mr. Burns asks, pulling out a stack of bills from a small suitcase hidden in Smithers jacket.

Didgery Pete pauses for a moment… "As I was saying, he's all yours Mr. Burns. Have fun with the nice man Kody."

"Kodo" Smithers corrects him.

"What you said." Pete answers back.

Mr. Burns hands Pete the stack of bills, and large green dollar signs form in Pete's eyes.

"What in blazes!? My eyes!! Oh lord, Somebody take me to a hospital!!" Didgery Pete screams as he runs down the street.

"Well that was unexpected." Mr. Burns says turning to Smithers. "But no matter, our dear friend Kodo here, will make a happy addition to the Burns family tree."

He than leans over and whispers "Maybe he'll take some of the attention off that large branch Adolph Hitler occupies."

"But I don't understand." Lisa asks "Where're the police? They didn't even bother to show up?"

Just then, Chief Wiggum and Lou pull up and jump out of their police car.

"Darn it Lou, what part of "Take me to Krusty Burger didn't you understand?" Chief Wiggum asks.

"Sorry chief, I got distracted by all the screams for help." Lou responds.

"And it's talk like that, that'll keep you from making sergeant buddy boy!" The Chief answers annoyed. Lou puts his head down.


End file.
